Sugar Free MC

Yesterday's two-Coke stomachache, combined with a return to the gym last week and several months of crashing on the couch at about 6:00 PM every day has spurred me into a little action on the sugar front. So we'll call today Day One of the low-to-no sugar era.

A little background -- I've always had a sweet tooth, my whole life. I remember going to the corner store with my friend Jay as a kid and buying enough Lik-M-Aid, Spree, and Swedish Fish (they were a penny apiece so you could just take your change and convert it into fish) to last all day long, or going to my grandma's house and being thrilled by the bowls of hard candy just sitting on the living room table, there for the taking. It was awesome.


Mmm...candy. Note: "candy mouth" is an NSFW search on Google images. Who knew?

I didn't really get any candy or sweets at home, and I'm unsure if that prohibition led to my sweet tooth, or if not having candy at home kept me from a life of obesity and dental agony. As it was I never had a cavity until I went away to college and could indulge as often as I liked, and while my candy consumption dipped as my consumption of other substances, legal and otherwise, increased, once I hit my mid 20's I was rarely without some Jolly Ranchers in my pocket (note: not a euphemism).

Recently it's been sour worms or Sweet Tarts, thought really I'll try just about any candy on the sour axis, even though most turn out to be nothing more than a normal piece of candy with a bit of malic acid dusted on it (one exception: Sour Skittles, which tear up the roof of my mouth in a most excellent way). Even as I essentially quit drinking soda with sugar in it two years ago I found myself unable to stop eating candy, the one last source of vast numbers of empty calories and untold quantities of evil, evil high fructose corn syrup. So help me, I was turning into a corn person. My current auctorial hero (and the inspiration for the name of this blog), Michael Pollan, would be so disappointed.

So it was with a heavy heart and a last gorging on Fla-Vor-Ices last night that I decided I would try, once again, to cut out the processed sugar from my diet. Since so much of the appeal is an oral fixation (and since I quite smoking years ago), I went to the store this morning, determined to try every candy-substitute that might keep my mouth occupied. Today's contestants and their efficacy:

* David Sunflower Seeds (Original) -- a classic, and very satisfying. Also inexpensive and long-lasting. I foresee many of these in my future, though I'll need to get used to the dry mouth and thirst brought on by so much salt. Luckily I also had...

* Water (two bottles worth) -- not really a substitute for the oral fixation side of things, but if any of the candy craving has to do with actual hunger, filling up my stomach with cool, crisp, satisfying water should help a but.

* Orbitz Lemon-Lime Sugar-Free Gum -- Disappointing. Carries just the faintest hint of "citrus" flavor and even cramming four pieces in my mouth at a time didn't give me the citric/malic/fumaric acid hit I craved. It does give me something to do with my mouth, though. I think I still have a bunch of Trident at home from the last time I tried to do this; I'll have to dig it out.

So here I am, one day in and already wanting, nay, needing to pick up a few Charms Blow Pops for the drive home. Lord, beer me strength.