Congratulations, Rockies. Prepare To Be Reduced To Stereotypes

(Gym: yes)

The Colorado Rockies have put together an almost unprecedented run over the last three weeks to win the National League pennant. Since they play in the Mountain time zone, were in fourth place less than a month ago, and have only one recognizable superstar, the hordes of press that are descending on Denver are going to be frantically thumbing through the Rockies' media guide, looking for angles for the requisite personal interest stories.

But fear not, beat writers of America, I have you covered. You've got eight days to fill. Day one should of course, start with the team -- refuses to lose, greatest post-season run in 70 years, strong calm leadership of Clint Hurdle. After that, feel free to run these seven stories in any order you see fit:

Todd Helton: Finally getting his shot after surviving a decade of mediocrity. Bonus points if you can use the word "redemption" or find some other way to refer obliquely to his strongly-held Christian beliefs.
Troy Tulowitski: Goofy. Wears #2 as a tribute to Derek Jeter, who by the way will be watching the World Series from home.
Willy Taveras: Fast, Dominican, bunts a lot. Was Rookie of the Year in 2005, had a terrible sophomore slump. Very fast.
Matt Holliday: MVP. Clutchy McClutch all season long. Still hasn't touched home plate in the Phillies Padres game.
Jeff Francis: The unknown ace. Quiet. Doesn't say much. Lets his performance do the talking.
Seth Smith: This year's Francisco Rodriguez. Perfect example of the Rockies' "a new hero every night" persona. As a college quarterback, was Eli Manning's backup at Ole Miss.
Kaz Matsui: Thriving out of New York spotlight. Provides veteran leadership. Great in the clubhouse.

There, that's pretty much everything you'll be able to learn about the Rockies between now and the beginning of the World Series. You're welcome.